THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

 

Introduction

“Life is the combined experience of everyone.  A set of re-occurring patterns that everyone thinks is unique to him or her, but in reality, shares in common with everybody else.  Analogies are made about life all the time, but in fact, no one experience contained IN life can summarize the whole OF life.

“To compare life to one of its parts is somewhat analogous to comparing your body to one of its parts.  Example:  Joe’s body is like an appendix.  It has no obvious purpose and should be removed.”

-The Secrets of the Universe*

 

*Explanation to the Introduction

“The Secrets of the Universe” is a little known program found in a file on the main computer of a large alien ship.  Few people know of its existence, and if they did, it is doubtful they would care.  It’s true that “The Secrets of the Universe” contains the answers to the questions that most people ask about life, but people would be much less happy if there where no longer any mysteries left to explore. 

So the file remains there, sitting in blissful anonymity, because no one cares to look at the answers they seek.  All that, however, is about to change.

 

Part I

 

 

Prologue

“The universe is a really huge place with lots of stuff in it.  One of those things is you.  You may not like this fact.  A lot of people don’t.  In fact, all the people who are NOT part of the universe agree that they are much happier than the ones IN the universe.  But what do they know?  Actually, they don’t know anything, proving one of those rules that is NOT of those universe: ‘Ignorance is bliss’.”

-The Secrets of the Universe

 

In the depths of space, a vast ship floated soundlessly throughout the inky void, searching for thought waves that would lead them to an intelligent race.  This is why they almost passed earth by.  The thought waves where weak, but they where there.  The giant computer at the heart of the ship began calculating where the most concentrated area of thought waves where located on the planet, in order to land in the area of the most intelligence.  Unfortunately, through a time-reversal coincidence, one of our main characters went into the past, dumped a pizza box in the main computer, and returned to the future.  This pizza box caused the computer to reverse its numbers so that it headed the ship toward the LEAST intelligent area.

Inside the ship, a sinister being thought wickedly:  “This is an interesting race.  Let's annoy them!”

 

Chapter 1

Does a Chicken have what it takes to be a Flat Tire?

“There is, as previously stated, a lot of stuff in the universe.  But there is not nearly as much stuff as there is non-stuff.  Non-stuff is defined as everything that is NOT in the universe, and it is all over the place.  There is a small amount of non-stuff separating every atom, and every item within the atom.  There are vast tracts of non-stuff out in space.  In fact, there is more non-stuff out there than there is stuff.  If the universe is infinite, and there is a large quantity of non-stuff in every section of it, than there is an infinite amount of non-stuff in the universe.  In fact, there is no room for the stuff, and it is impossible that the universe even exists.  This makes the job of defining it a lot easier, and also explains a lot of things that go on there.”

--Secrets of the Universe

 

Our story begins on the planet earth, in the Western and Northern hemispheres, on the continent of North America, in the United States, in the backwater state of Tennessee, on the dumpy campus of Milligan College, in the larger boy's dorm known as Webb (home of THE SPIDER) on the second floor in room 231.

 Our hero's are listed with a short description as follows:

Micah Fredrick: He's a genius extrodinare, which is a good thing, because he never studies and rarely shows up for class.  Presently he is sitting in his favorite chair in room 231, playing a role-playing game on his Playstation.  Next to him, on the floor is Michael Girdwood.  This red-haired fellow does not live in this room, or have a purpose in life, he's just THERE.  At the computer sits David Rose.  He is in love with a girl at the other end of cyberspace, and is presently writing a never-ending E-mail to her.  Normally a rather intelligent fellow, Dave has been rendered a babbling moron by the powers of the afore-mentioned woman.  Next to him is Wesley Jamison, who considers himself to be a homemade theologian.  He's not really important; he just owns everything in the room, including the computer, which he is presently begging David to get off of. (More people will be named as they enter the scene).

"Com on' Dave, I need to get on the computer," whined Wes ineffectively, "Billy Graham is on the chat line now, and I need to give him some advice."

"Mumble, mumble, Babble, babble, blook." muttered Dave.

"Daaaave!" Wes whined, hoping against hope to get a coherent answer.

"Shut up, Wes, I can't hear the music to my Playstation game." Micah exclaimed.

"Your Mom." Girdy piped in.

Wes's chest swelled with pride, popping several buttons of his shirt with the banded collar.  He felt he had come up with the perfect response.

"Talking to Billy Graham is more important than your stupid game." Wes smiled as he let the flawless logic sink into their heads.

"Okay, Wes, how old is Billy Graham?" Micah asked.

"Um...really old?"

"Right you are. Now this game came out yesterday.  It'll still be popular when Billy Graham is dead."

"Plus, you don't even KNOW Billy Graham, which makes you, what?  That's right, a liieer.  Can you say liiieeer?" Girdwood exclaimed.

Wes was incredulous.  Somehow they had once again come up with an argument that confused the tar out of him, and defeated his deft debating skills.

Suddenly the whole of Webb hall began to shake.  All conversation ceased as the building began to lift off the ground.  The hall fell silent, and the only sound to be heard was the sound of Dave typing, oblivious to what was happening around him.  Micah and Girdwood ran out into the hall where they where joined by Dan Carpenter, their roommate, who exclaimed:  "What's going on?"

"We're going to find out." Micah said, making sure the tone of his voice told Dan that this was obvious and that he was stupid for asking.  Dan totally missed this point.  The trio raced down the stairwell and looked out the door.  The ground was slowly rising away, and as they looked up they saw a huge, alien craft drawing the dorm up into it.  Paula, Dan's girlfriend, just happened to be coming up to the dorm at the time.  Dan tried to grab her hand but missed by an inch.  They watched each other as they receded into the distance.

"Dan!" she cried.

"Paula!" he cried.

"Dan!" she cried.

"Paula!" he cried.

"Dan!" she cried.

"Paula!" he cried.

"You get the feeling that their conversation is a little repetitive?" Micah asked.

Overwhelmed by the loss he was suffering at this point, Dan threw himself from the dorm to die in the arms of the woman he loved.  Unfortunately, he landed on her and the fall killed them both.  Micah and Girdwood looked at each other, shrugged, and went back upstairs.

When they arrived, Wes was gone, and Dave sat blinking at the blank screen of the computer, as if slowly coming out of a daze.

"I think the power went out." he commented.

"That's it!  Now I'm ticked!  We're being abducted by aliens, and I can't even play my Playstation." Micah shouted.

"We're being abducted?" questioned Dave.

"Duh, hello?  We've already established that fact!" Girdy expressed.

"Cool!" exclaimed Dave. 

Then the realization hit him.  "I won't be able to talk to Amy!"  Dave and Micah collapsed into each other’s arms, sharing their mutual grief over the loss of power.  Girdy leaned against a wall and tried to sit this thing through calmly.

 

At this point, a student named Nick Sisson entered through the bathroom, and started to dance around singing, "We're being abducted, we're being abducted, we're being abducted. Hurray!" his song at an end, he exited through the bathroom door.  Micah and David ceased crying as they all looked in the direction Nick had gone.  They looked at each other and shrugged.

 

Darkness engulfed the dorm as it was completely swallowed up by the alien craft.  A voice spoke over a loudspeaker system to the entire dorm:

"PUNY EARTHLINGS, YOU HAVE BEEN RATED AS THE MOST INTELLIGENT BEINGS ON YOUR PLANET."

"What planet did THESE guys come from?" whispered Micah

"Under the circumstances, I'd say that was a legitimate question." responded Girdy.

"WE ARE AN ALIEN RACE AND HAVE ABDUCTED YOU.  THAT IS ALL, FOR THE MOMENT." Finished the voice.

"No, really?  You guys figure that one out all by yourselves?" 

The question came from a guy on the third floor named Jason Mackey.  A ray from the aliens who did not appreciate excessively sarcastic creatures immediately disintegrated him.

"You rarely find aliens this straight forward." commented Joel Furches who had just appeared on the scene in room 231; followed by Dan Corrizo and Wes Jamison.

"Beep!" commented Dan.

"Did you just say ‘beep’?" asked Girdwood.

"The man just said  'beep', trust me." answered Micah.

"But I didn't mean to say 'Beep'" Dan replied, "I meant to say 'beep'." 

"Pardon my ignorance, but didn't we more or less agree that 'beep' is what you did say?" asked Joel.

"No, I was trying to say a cuss word for Beep sake, but every time I beeping say it, all that comes out is 'Beep'!" Dan exclaimed

"Unless I missed my guess, you just said a string of cuss words, but they all came out 'Beep'." Joel answered.  Then his face lit up.

"They must have a swear word filter!  I've never seen one in good condition before!  Beep!"

"Joel, did you just say a cuss word?" asked Dave.

"No, I said 'Beep'.  Just the way it sounds: B-E-E-P." Joel commented.

"No, Joel, I think you said a cuss word." smiled Wes.

"No, I...ah, forget it." Joel stomped out in frustration.

"Just picking!" called Wes.

"Wait a second," Girdy started, "Did Joel say he's seen Swear word filters before?"

“Well if those aliens think we’re just going to wait around, they’ve got another thing coming,” Dan spoke.

"So what are we going to do?" questioned Dave.

"I've got an idea," Girdwood perked up, "We could hook the Playstation into the main computer!  That way we could gain control of the ship!"

"Forget controlling the ship, Just plug me into the power so I can finish my game." Micah said.

"Fine, we can hook Wes's computer up to the ship's computer, then."

"That's MY computer, guys!  You're not going to hook my computer into this ship!" Wes whined.

"Well what do YOU suggest we do?" Dave asked.

"I know," Wes smiled his annoying smile, "Let's try to find out what denomination these aliens are!"

"Denomination?!?!  Wes, these guys probably think they ARE God!" Micah yelled.

"Then I'll just have to go prove them wrong!" Wes shouted and left in a huff.  The other three left to try to gain access to the alien ship.

Dave, Micah, and Girdwood where down at the main doors to the dorm, where Jake was nailing posters up for a dorm retreat.  Immediately behind the dorms doors, were the doors to the ship.

"Well, my room key FITS the lock, but it won't turn." Micah said.  They had tried all their room keys, Girdwood ran up to get Wes's key.

"No!  It's MY room key." Wes complained.

"Wes," Girdwood growled, "We NEED that key to get on the ship."

"No you don't!"

"Yes we do!"

"No you don't!"

"Yes we do!"

There was an inerring logic in Girdwood's argument that finally made Wes re-consider.

"Alright, but I'll be the one to use it." Wes mumbled.  Girdwood followed behind grumbling. 

The key fit like a charm and turned, opening the doors to the ship.  As soon as the doors were opened, however, they where attacked by guardian robots. Within moments the robots had Girdy, David, Micah, and Wes pinned to the floor, a whirring blade creeping towards each man's throat.  At that moment Nick Sisson came into the lobby and asked, "Does anyone here want to go to dinner with me?"  The robots paused, as everyone answered, "No, Nick!"  Nick shrugged and skipped out of the lobby.

"Who was that creature?" the robots questioned in unison.

"Uh, no one, forget it." Girdy said.

The robots resumed inching the whirring blades toward the hapless victim’s throats.

"I just want to take this moment to tell you, Wes," Girdwood sobbed, "I've NEVER liked you."

Just then, the blades were all gummed up with silly string, as a masked, black figure vaulted over the balcony.  The robots shorted out and fell into useless heaps.

"Joel...I mean, Spider!" the thankful group shouted.

"No need to thank me, just doing my job." the midnight figure replied and with two short leaps, he disappeared. 

 

The group entered the alien ship.  While Girdwood and Micah busied themselves with splicing the computer lines into the network and the power cables into the dorm’s power lines, David and Wes explored the alien technology.

"Look!  It's a sarcasm locate and destroy machine!" shouted Dave.

"Don't turn that thing on," Wes sneered, "It would destroy half the people I know."  Wes barely dodged the energy bolt from the machine.

"Take a look at this!" called Dave, "This machine says it can make cafeteria food edible!"

"Na," said the rest of the group, "They couldn't be THAT advanced."

"Well, that's that." called Micah, "We've got the power and computer hooked up, let's go check it out."

While they went back to their room, The Spider snuck out to explore the ship.