THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Chapter 4 1/2

Do peanuts dream in shades of green

                It was a red and fallow night (carnally).  Gradually, a bomb expended.  Meanwhile, in Maryland, Archibald Snoodleganger was defrosting his icebox.  At the point in which everything means nothing, and nothing is having a psychological episode, this is where the mind of Joel C. Furches the third hovers.  Swirls of reality and its opposite, Sushi motif, descended into the life-consuming mouth of obscurity.  Let us pause.

                Micah Fredrick lay in the one remaining snowbank at Milligan College holding his hand out to the apparition of Dan Carpenter.

                "Dan!  Dan!" he cried feebly.

                "You will go to the Tarmildew system," Dan spoke, "There you will find Harry P. Fenderwick Jr., an assistant accountant.  He will instruct you in the ways of Ti Quan Ouchie."

                "Dan!  Dan!"  Micah shouted as the apparition faded.  He sat up in his snow bank.

"Wait a minute," he said, "I'm in an alternate reality playing out a poorly done version of the Empire Strikes Back.  There are lot's better ways to spend my time than this.  I'm going to find the others."

 

                Girdwood felt the sun in his hair, smelled the enthralling scent of the flowers around him, and felt the wind whipping across his barren, pasty white, hairless chest as he ran in slow motion across the field toward Denise.  She was dressed in an alluringly revealing outfit that made him all the more anxious to grasp her in his arms.  The only problem with this scene, he reflected, is that it's moving in slow motion.  Moments before Denise came into his arms, all motion ceased as Micah appeared beside him. 

                "Micah!"  Girdwood yelled, "couldn't this wait?"

Micah, who was momentarily blinded by the light reflecting off of Girdy's chest, saw for the first time what was going on, and nearly puked.

"Come on Girdwood, you can live out your daydreams later.  We need to find the others."

                Protesting profusely, Girdwood found himself being dragged away moments from his fondest dream coming true.

 

                Atop a rocky pillar in the midst of a vast, weathered plain, The Spider fought hand to hand with his mortal enemy, the evil cowboy.  Lightning flashed around them, revealing the sneer on cowboy’s face.

                "Soon we will meet in reality, and I will crush you."

                "Ha, never!"  Spider growled, pushing back with all his spider-strength, "You could never match my lightning wits, spider-strength, reckless stupidity, and Wal-Mart silly-string shooters!"

                Micah and Girdwood appeared beside them.

                "Common Spider, let's go," Micah said.

                "I'm (grunt) a little busy (oof) right now, boys." the Spider replied.

                "LOOK," shouted Girdy, "IF I HAD TO COME, THEN SO DO YOU."  Grabbing Spider, they exited.

                Rescuing David from his nightmare, a world without Amy, and Corizzo from his dream, playing on an all-girls soccer team, the group ascended towards the pinnacle of reality in the confusion of unreality.

                "What about Wes?"  Dave asked.  The group unanimously agreed that they did not care to see what dream Wes had found himself in.

                At the pinnacle sat a Guru.

                "Ah, my children, you have come."

                "Yes father," Spider said

                "There's a clue," whispered Dave, "That guy is the Spider’s father."

Micah restrained himself from slapping Dave.

                "On the ship," the Guru continued, "You will find a computer file marked 'The Secrets of the Universe' this will tell you all there is to know in life."

                "Um, pardon me, Guru," Girdy spoke up, "but couldn't you just tell us now?"

The Guru considered this for a moment, and after some thought decided he could.

                "Very well, my children..."

                "Hey, did you hear that?" whispered Dave.

                "Dave, if you comment in any way on the fact that he said we were his children, I will have to beat you." said Micah.

The Guru continued.  "The secrets of the universe are..."

 

                "THANK YOU FOR RIDING HYPERSPACE FLIGHTS, YOU MAY UNFASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS NOW."