THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Chapter 4

The Cry of the Turtle is heard in the spring.

                “An uncommonly known fact is that the universe is just one large and well thought out allegory.  The side effect of this is that many of the things IN the universe are entirely allegorical.  One of these things is chapters.  Chapters are an allegory of four things: 1) Centipedes 2) The fact that life occurs in stages 3) The infinite nature of numbers 4) Numerical orders.  In the case of this book, there is a fifth: The author’s inability to write an entire work on his own.  The best way in which to represent the allegorical nature of chapters is to present chapters in fractions as well as wholes.”

                                                                                                -The Secrets of the Universe

 

                At that moment Joel was interrupted by the voice on the loud speaker.  Reverting to his usual role when interrupted, Joel babbled to himself for a moment, and then went off to sulk in the corner until such a time as he was noticed.

                "DENIZENS OF EARTH WHO HAVE A PREDILECTION FOR SPENDING TIME IN BROOM CLOSETS."

                "Who's he talking to?" asked Wes.

                "Uh…that'd be us," Micah responded.  Whereupon the sarcasm search and destroy machine resolved that the ultimate solution to these sarcastic nuisances was to destroy them all.  Alas, the moment of sarcasm was passed, so the computer sat brooding darkly until the next time.  The loudspeaker continued.

                "WE ARE ABOUT TO TRANSFER INTO HYPERSPACE.  IT IS AN UPPER DIMENSION WHERE ALL LOGIC BREAKS DOWN AND ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN."

                "They’re sending us back to Milligan," Dave quipped.

                "Shut up, Dave," Girdy and Micah said in unison.

                "TO DO THIS WE WILL FIRE A CONDENSED GRAVITON WAVE/BEAM AT AN INFINITELY CONSENTRATED POINT, CAUSING A RIFT BETWEEN DIMENSIONS.  THIS CAN BE SUMMED UP IN THE EQUATION H=5%*6^3/THE SUM OF THE PRINCIPLE ECCENTRICITY OF THE UNIT IN QUESTION."

                "Interest...fading...neural transmitters...dying...must...maintain... consciousness… through this utterly...boring...explanation," Girdwood gasped falling to his knees.  This was disturbing to Micah, but not half as disturbing as the fact that Joel was quoting along with the voice.

"AHEM!" the voice cleared its throat, "IF I MAY CONTINUE..."

                "Oh sure, go right ahead," Dan Corizzo said pleasantly (once more re-appearing in that mysterious way he has).  The others gave him a death stare to which he was cheerfully oblivious.

                "IN ORDER TO TRANSFER INTO HYPERSPACE, YOU MUST ALL BE BROUGHT TO THE FLIGHT DECK, WHERE YOU WILL BE STRAPPED INTO OUR FLIGHT SEATS.  ____, IF YOU WOULD ESCORT THEM?"

                "Oh, sure, I'd be happy to,"_____ replied.  (For those of you who are wondering how to pronounce _____'s name, you just DON'T)

 

                The flight deck was huge and cushy with plush leather recliners and a sushi motif.  Jake sat in one corner shining his shoes. 

                "What's with the sushi motif?"  Dave questioned.

                "We felt you humans would feel most comfortable surrounded by pictures of large eyed, gaping mouthed, dead fish," ____ commented. 

                Micah, Girdwood, and Dave sat down together, Wes took the two seats behind them, and Corizzo sat behind Wes.  Joel sat in the far back in a shady corner seat.

                "Joel, why don't you come sit with us?"  Girdy asked.

                "Not now, you fool!  I need to brood darkly over the fact that my girl was stolen by an abusive, deaf guy!"  Joel replied, and lapsed into silence.

                An indescribably beautiful stewardess came into the room to buckle the group in.  She slinked up to Joel and asked, "Would you like me to buckle you in?"

                "No thanks, I'll get it myself," Joel muttered.

                "Can I sit next to you during the ride?" she smiled.

                "Actually, if you don't mind I'd like to be alone," Joel said.  Girdwood began the process of ripping his hair out. 

                Next the Stewardess approached Corizzo.  Corizzo looked up at the stewardess and said, "I love you."

                "I'm actually an alien in human skin." the stewardess explained, sweetly.  Dan failed to comprehend how this made any difference.

                "Aren't all women?" he asked.  She shrugged.  Dan proceeded to whisper something to the stewardess, in response, she stuck her ovipositor down his throat in an attempt to lay eggs, only to be frustrated by the fact that half of his digestive tract was gone.  By this time the rest had buckled in, except for Wes who could not understand why he got two seatbelt ends, but no buckles. 

                Seeing the passengers to be more or less ready, the command center activated the Hyper-drive.