THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Chapter 3

If an elephant were your best friend would you share your Coke with him?

“The entire cause of the crimes of humanity can be pinpointed on one aspect of the world. It has stupid sheep.  The great book of the humans says that people are like sheep. This logic can be followed to conclude that since the sheep of the world are stupid, so too are the humans. Since the crimes of humanity can be linked to the stupidity of the human race, than those crimes can also be linked to the stupidity of their sheep.  The solution to the problem is simple: breed smarter sheep.”

-The Secrets of the Universe

"Hey!" exclaimed Girdy in a voice of completely falsified excitement; "Wes just mentioned food!"

"Now that's original, Wes mentioning food."  Micah replied in unmasked sarcasm taking care to side step as to avoid the incoming missile.

A momentary pause in the conversation ensued as Wes tried desperately to conceive a comeback that would free him from the awkward situation he was facing. Suddenly he was struck by the knowledge from the hand of god (I feel the need to place this in lower case letters because one can not be sure just who is Wes's god.  Look what happened to Dave).

Wes replied, "Well Final Fantasy is a dumb game!"

"You though that up all on your own, that's pure genius," commented Mike, now also in unmasked sarcasm.

It must be said though that all the recent sarcasm had so completely baffled the computer that it turned itself off to contemplate who it was and what its motivation was.

"Shut Up!" insisted Wes.

"No." said Girdwood (looks like we know where this is going).

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

For yet a third time, there was an unerring logic in Girdy's argument that made Wes reconsider. After this argument the NBRJ (National Board of Run-on Jokes) declared the logic of Girdy was now to be declared an official run-on joke to be interspersed throughout the remainder of the book.

"Guys, Guys!" said Joel, in honest excitement, "I think I know where we are. This is the land of Iggle-Big.  In this world if everything is equal than nothing is relevant, which makes no sense and so perfectly describes this story… I mean world."

"Does that mean that BEEP is irrelevant in this world," Dave muttered as he almost slipped into mourning.

"Maybe a dimensional rift brought us here when I pressed the button," offered Wes.

Micah turned to Girdy; honestly disturbed that all three of them would actually buy into this theory.  Girdwood shrugged his shoulders and hit Wes just for principal.  Dave suddenly free of the burden of believing Joel and Wes immediately fled the room to check his email and maybe try and call Amy. How exactly Dave managed to bolt from the room is beyond all conceivable knowledge, but if Nick can do it then Dave figured that he could too.

In a flash of action Nick suddenly appeared in the room through what would have appeared to be a bathroom. This sudden appearance startled all those left in the room, but as they begun to grow used to the idea of Nick appearing from nowhere, they where no longer disturbed.

"If she doesn’t live on first floor or third floor do you know what Mary's room number would be?" Nick asked, and in all truth he probably expected them to answer.  This time it would be Joel who would respond to the outrageous question of Nick.

"If a square has 4 corners and a circle has none, what color would the snow be?"

Nick could not respond; the logic of Joel had completely freed Nick's mind of every question. As Nick left the room, once again how this was done is a mystery, he could be heard muttering, "Of course, blue, it makes perfect sense."

"Well, now that that is over does anyone know where we really are," asked Micah afraid of the answer he may receive.

At this point Mike chimed in with a timely smart suggestion, "Let's just ask Aaron.  Aaron do you know how to get out of here?"

"Leave me alone, I am tired of being played into your sarcastic jokes," replied Aaron.

"Holy BEEP!" exclaimed Girdy in realization that a large portion of his sarcastic repertoire had just been destroyed.

"I told you guys but you just wouldn't believe me," Joel said smugly.

"A chalice on his HEAD?" was the only thing that could escape Girdy's mouth.

"I believe that you are being totally immature about this whole chalice thing.  Metzger said that it was a perfectly legitimate place to store a chalice if your pockets are full so I don't want to hear you all make any more comments about it or I will take away my computer," declared Wes in as serious tone as one can have when discussing things that are located in one's own head. 

"Look!" exclaimed Joel; "someone is walking towards us."

(Insert clause regarding the actual plausibility of such an action.)

"Hail stranger from a far off land. We are lost and wonder where we are, could you be so kind as to tell us which dimension we are in," exclaimed Joel in truthful excitement because, unlike Girdy, Joel is honest and doesn’t try and confuse everyone (although he does a much more efficient job).

"You are in the ship's storage closet," replied _______.

"Back up! What was that name again?" questioned Micah.

"My name is ______," replied ______.

"And here I was thinking Wes's mom hated him." said Girdy.

"Hey are you making fun of my name or my mom, Girdwood"

"NOO! Why ever would I do I thing like that?” said Girdwood in his usual tone of voice while displaying his caring face so that Wes might believe him.

Once Wes saw the deep emotion written on Girdwood's face he had no choice but to believe him, once and for all proving that sheep are stupid.

"Well ______ what do your people want with us?"  asked Joel.

"Pizza, video games, for someone to pay for the crimes of humanity, and to find out who the Spider really is," replied ______.

"Sorry can't help you. I have no car so I can't get you any pizza. I don't play video games. Those three over there committed the crimes of humanity, and the true identity of Jo…I mean the Spider is a mystery to everyone," said Joel.

"Crimes of humanity.  You kidnapped the entire dorm just for that.  How childish, if I was your mom I would make you take them home and take them out to eat, at an all-you-can-eat buffet with free desert and donuts," replied the Chalice-Boy.

"It always comes down to food with you doesn’t it Wes.  You need to stop thinking with your stomach and think like a man," stated Micah.

"Umm…Micah…," indicated Girdy.

"Oh yeah, never mind that last line. Just consider it null and void, except the food part," said Micah trying to recover from his previous line.

  

"Someone must pay for the crimes of humanity,” said ______.

"Give us a moment to decide who should suffer,” said Joel suddenly assuming the role of leader leaving Micah and Girdwood completely speechless.

"Girdy should pay," replied Wes in an attempt to create as many enemies as possible.

"Wait I have a plan. All right everyone gather around,” said Micah as he happened across the perfect solution to the problem.

After moments of discussion, which involved the gagging of Wes and periods of mass confusion, Joel lifted his head and said, "We believe that.... "