THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Chapter 2

The Attack of the Amazon Women

“Green light has properties totally unique in the natural world. It is the only known type of light that first registers at the point farthest from, and travels backward to the point of origin.  It is amazing that Earth scientist have not yet discovered this fact since it is plainly obvious to anyone who has sat at the back of the line of traffic when the light turned green.”

-The Secrets of the Universe

 

Back in the room, Micah, Dave, and Wes argued over what to do with their new connections. It seems Micah was confident all that new memory could only be used for new games, while Dave wished to download an E-mail program.  Wes just started whining about all those strange programs on "his" hard drive. "Like ‘Weapons', 'Self-Destruct', and 'Weird Hallucinations of Penguins Committing Suicide' are important," he firmly stated.

A voice from above broke the revelry.

“IN ORDER TO PROVE CONCLUSIVELY THAT WE ARE, IN FACT, A SINISTER, ALIEN RACE, WE WILL NOW SPONTANIOUSLY DESTROY A SIGNIFICANT PORTION OF THE POPULATION OF THIS BUILDING. THE REST WILL BE LEFT FOR TESTIMONY.”

“What kind of testimony?” asked Girdy.  His question, however, was

drowned out by the sound of hundreds of souls being zapped into oblivion.  Those who bore the protection of room 231 were spared alive.

“Now what do you suppose that was all abou…”  Girdwood started to say as he turned back to the group. He was stopped, however, by a sight that filled him with shock and horror.

"A-a-a Chalice ," he stuttered.

The three duffi (plural of dufus) stopped their petty griping at the words of their elder statesman. 

“What?” they said in unison.

“Wes is wearing a chalice on his head!” Girdy exclaimed.

Wes, seeing that everyone was staring at the strange-looking thingamajig, blushed and pulled it off.

"A chalice?" questioned Micah.

"A picture of Amy!" shouted Dave.  (This strange phenomenon is explained in that Dave is, or at least thinks he is, in love. Therefore, he sees his dearest in many different and unusual places.  In this instance, he saw her image flash across the chalice face. What he was, in fact, seeing was a reflection of his own face proving that in love, all is vanity.)

"A CHALICE on his HEAD?" cried Girdy, still disturbed.

"Why the beep did you have a chalice on your head?" asked Micah.

"I ran out of pockets," shrugged Wes.

"That doesn't explain it! You don't have to carry a chalice with you, you beeping moron.  Once again, your view makes absolutely no sense!" grumbled Micah.

Dave, laughed and agreed, "Micah's right, Wes. I don't have anything on my head, do I?"

"You guys don't understand," said Wes, "I ran out of pockets."

This continued for quite some time, and ended with Wes scuttling out of the room to find some obscure source which says that it is, indeed, quite okay to stick one's chalice on ones head when one has used up all one's pockets.

Right after Wes had left the room, and Micah, who won the first argument, had downloaded Final Fantasy 4, 5, and 6 (running them through the ever-so-handy Universal Translator), did the strange voice once again come over the loudspeaker. 

"IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT

a)       SOMEONE HAS DESTROYED ALL OF OUR GUARD ROBOTS WITH THE SUBSTANCE KNOWN AS SILLY STRING (Joel opened the closet door and comes out, humming nonchalantly and looking for a phone booth), AND

b)       SOMEONE HAS SPLICED INTO OUR HARD DRIVE AND DOWNLOADED MORE GAMES THAN IT CAN HANDLE (Micah laughs obnoxiously, and, may I say, very chalantly),

SUCH OFFENSES ARE NOT TOLERABLE FROM PRISONERS. ONE OF YOU MUST BE PUNISHED WITH DEATH. THE CHOICE OF WHO IS UP TO YOU. THE REST OF YOU WILL REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE UNTIL WE HAVE REACHED THE HOMEWORLD. THEN YOU WILL ALL BE TRIED FOR THE SINS OF HUMANITY."

Girdy exclaimed in a loud voice, "Yeah, that 'sins of humanity' junk is nice and all, but first things first!  I’ve decided who should be punished with death!” All the while pointing and shrugging and doing every conceivable act to indicate Dan was responsible for the grievous crimes.

"YOU, IN THE RED HAIR, ARE YOU INDICATING THAT THE GUY STANDING DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU IS THE CULPRIT OF THIS TERRIBLE ATTACK ON OUR SHIP?" the voice questioned carnally.

At this point, Wes re-entered the room with his source book, Bruce Metzger's New Testament commentary (3). "Don't I know that voice?" he said having lost all abilities of inner monologue. Unfortunately, because of Wes's ignorance, Dan turned around. Girdy, not wanting to, for the first time, stab a friend in his chest, pointed beyond the one known in some circles as Rizzo the Rat . Dan fell for this blatant ploy to lure him into looking elsewhere, and Girdy started nodding vigorously (thus stabbing Dan in the back).

This time, the voice caught on, "You, in the soccer jacket, please step forward."

Dan, infuriated, spun around. "Who's the beeeeep who betrayed me?  I'm not fat, and you obviously like her because you throw up every time you see her."

The entire room was stunned by the stupidity of this last comment.  In fact, Nick had just walked into the room, looking to use Micah's Playstation (Playstation is a registered trademark of Sony, Inc.) and, humiliated by the utterance of a sentence so horribly purposeless that not even he could top it, left without saying a word.  Joel, seeing that someone had actually succeeded in shutting Nick up, pleaded for Dan's life, "Please, guys, even though you're not human, you have to realize that something colossal just happened here!"  But it was too late.  A laser beam shot out of the wall and burst a large hole through Dan.

"Oh my beep, they killed Kenny. You beeps!" Dan wailed.

"Holy, well, uh, Dan," cried Dave.  "He can't be killed since he lives entirely off of the repetition of other's material!"

"You shot his intestines out," noticed Micah.  "A vast relief to us all, I can assure you."

"Next time aim a little lower, Dr. Matson, we don't want him reproducing," Wes said loudly.

"ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THAT NOW," said the voice.

"Aha!" screamed Wes, in a tone slightly higher than a well-trained flutist.  "So it is you!  I suspected it all along!"

Dr. Matson, obviously in shame for having been tricked by Wes, paused, then muttered, "SO NOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH! HOW YOU KNOW ME I CANNOT TELL, BUT DON'T EXPECT TO SURVIVE YOUR TRIAL.  IT STARTS IN TWO DAYS!"

Everyone else in the room was frozen in amazement.  Wes had tricked the alien mastermind!  (Well, that is if you think Milligan's Bible professors have minds.) Girdy was the first to break out of the daze:  "A chalice on his head?"  (Yes, he's still disturbed by the chalice-on-the-head thing, okay? It was a very frightful sight.)

Micah was next, "Oh well. Life goes on. I don't care."

Then came Joel, who suggested that the entire group search the ship to find an escape shuttle and comic books which could be used for a daring escape and, well, entertainment. (Here the author of this chapter would like to put in a strong disclaimer on any knowledge of the inner workings of Joel's mind.)  This plan seemed suitable to all, and so they set off.

 

********************

 

Eventually our hapless heroes happened across a suspicious-looking door.

"Beep! We need a key card!" cussed Dave. (Well, it wasn't really clear at the moment whether or not he swore, because of that stupid swear word filter. Things cleared up later when the group found out Micah had been able to add "Amy" to its list of outlawed syllables. It turns out Dave was invoking the name of his god.)

Joel, doubtless after many hours of pondering, put forth, "I've got an idea! Let's try our laundry cards!"

Micah jumped on this opportunity to mock the innocent Maryland farm boy, "You idiot! We're in an alien space ship, facing an electronic device of unknown origin, which just might take a key card, and you want try your laundry card.  Oh yeah, remind me to give your gold star for excellence in academics."

Dave dived and barely knocked Micah out of the way of the in-coming Sarcasm S&D. Unfortunately, this fantastic deed caused Dave's wallet to fall out of his pocket and into an air vent.  Joel, in an act of comic book gusto, took out his own billfold and whipped it towards the missile.  It exploded directly in front of Wes.  The fusion reaction in an earth-like atmosphere caused the condensation of several gallons of water instantaneously.  The practical result is that this drenched Wes in luke-warm water.

"I'm soaked!" shouted Wes.  "Girdwood, this is all your fault!  Just for that, I'm not going to let you use my laundry card."

For the first time ever, Wes could actually withhold something the group desperately needed. Faced with this tense (and fictional) predicament, Girdy turned to the only argument left, "You are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

Once more, there was an unerring logic in Girdy's argument that made Wes reconsider. He slid the card into the slot, took the $0.75 cent charge (after securing promises to get paid back), and the door slid open as Micah dropped to the ground in amazement and Joel shrugged. Just then Nick walked out of the doorway, "Hey guys, have you seen Mary?"

"Mary who?" asked Dave.

Nick sighed and said, "Well, do you at least know where she is?"

"We have no idea who you're talking about, Nick.  Maybe if you told us we could help you out," Wes proposed.

"What's her phone number?"

"Listen, fool," Micah quipped, ever so deftly avoiding the swear-word filter.  "We aren't connecting here.  We need to know the personage that you are referring to before we can properly answer your questions."

"Come on, guys! Tell me her room number at least!"

"Am I missing something in this conversation?"  Girdy asked.  "I think we need to know who the heck you're talking about."

Thinking quickly, Nick attempted to trick his audience, "What's her roommate's room number?"

By this time, Joel had lost all hope of understanding Nick and muttered, "I like fish." to the mutual enjoyment of everyone within hearing distance.

Just then, Corizzo walked by, looking for a Band-Aid, and contributed, "Mary?  I think her number's on the wall in the other room." Dan kept on walking down the hall (mostly so I don't have to write any more dialogue for him).

The Fantastic Four and Wes marched into the empty room.  Strangely it had no exits or holes in the wall or any other means of entrance beside the door.  It struck the group that Nick's exit from the previously locked and sealed room as rather odd.  Wes turned around to ask him about it, but accidentally pushed a button, shutting the opening.  (It must be explained that, as this room was rather small, and Wes is rather large, it was quite impossible for a button not to be accidentally pushed when he turned around.)  Instantly after the portal slid shut, the drab gray walls began to glimmer and change into something totally different.

"A Holo-deck!" screamed Dave.

"I know this game! The evil fiends behind this cruel plot are making us play Final Fantasy Tactics!" shouted Micah.

"I smell food! It's an alien 'All-You-Can-Eat'!" cried Wes.

"I think we're being transported into the world of Marvel and DC comics!  Maybe if we call on a certain super hero, he'll come and save us!" hinted Joel.

"Well, guys," said Girdy after some quick investigation, "Only one of you is right..."