Well, I have got a secret. Actually, I do not have a secret. If I tell you that I’ve got a secret then I will lose my secret security clearance in a place that does not officially exist and that would, allegedly, be a bad thing. So I do not really have a secret. You have seen nothing here. Move along now.

Isn’t it odd how much we want to all be in on the secret? It would not be possible for everybody to be in on the secret because, if we were all in on the secret, then it would not be much of a secret. Then it would be like area 51. Wouldn’t you like to know what is really being hidden by pretending to hide area 51? Most people have to be ‘out of the know’ in order for there to be a secret for a few of us to know.

But then again, most secrets are not worth knowing. My locker combination used to be 6-12-5. Do you really care? How about Sheila kissing Raymond behind Mrs. Smiths bakery after telling her parents that she was at the mall with Heather? She would like to know how I know that. I assure you of that. This is a secret that is only valuable to people who already know it.

I suppose, in my stand up philosopher sort of way, that this relates to our desire to stand out in the world. People who are in on these secrets are important. They have a knowledge that is beyond what the rest of us are allowed to know. Being let in on the secret means joining an elite. You are allowed to know these kinds of things because you are better than everybody else. In a way, it means that somebody trusts you.

Years ago, I created a fictional society in which information was a commodity. You could literally trade gossip. I’m not fond of the money stuff, even when I have some, so I thought that it might interest people to see an alternative. It is not the kind of place where most people would want to actually live. However, reading my stories would let you in on the secret.

Writing tirades for a site called “Secrets of the Universe” gives me a chance to let fictional cats out of real bags. Sometimes, it is real cats and fictional bags. Do we ever consider the nature of secrets and why people want to know them? I’ve been let in on some secrets that were worth a pat on the head and a lollipop. Letting me in on the secret was an act of trust so it would have been impolite to say, “I don’t care.” Often, you do care about the people.

This is enough letting you in on secrets for today. After all, I really don’t have any. My life is an open book that has been through a spell checker to minimize the chances of embarrassment. I do not really have any secrets. What I have got is that almost everything ever written about me is a lie…

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