It seems like it has come time for us to deliver the status report for the candidacy of Girdy for Everything. This looks to be a closer race than the Presidency campaign for the Girdy/Herman ticket. Since I drafted Girdy, not bothering to tell him that I was offering his name for write-in ballots for every office in every election, a challenger has emerged. The Raze/Darcy ticket looks to put up a good fight. Raze has a real skill writing himself out of trivial situations and, as I recall, Darcy mentioned something about cookies.

I did consider a fund raising campaign, but my financial advisor used the term ‘fraud.’ In addition to not voting for Girdy, you can not send in a donation to his campaign. Please remember that the money that you do not send in to fund the non-campaign of my candidate is not tax deductible. At best, it would end up in my offshore investment account where Girdy would never find it. Herman would probably have to be bribed to keep quiet about the $0.75 in contributions thus far.

How is Girdy different from every other candidate in this election? Firstly, he is not going to insult your intelligence with phony advertisements. He will not stoop so low as to produce negative campaign ads concerning his opponents. In fact, he will not do any advertising at all. This will be easy for us to stick to since that $0.75 is about all the money that I have to run Girdy’s non-campaign.

Girdy will not break into your favorite television programming for a scripted debate. Herman may slip into your freezer to borrow a thin crust pizza, but he will not interfere with your television watching life. As Girdy takes no stand on anything, he will never flip-flop on the issues. Just like most politicians, he has no idea where he stands on anything and he doesn’t care where the voters stand. You can, however, trust that Girdy is honest about it.

Honesty is the heart and soul of the Girdy/Herman platform. Voting for Girdy is throwing your vote away. When you write Girdy’s name into the blanks on your ballot, you will be thankful that we have the right to a secret ballot. The only thing that your elected officials will know is that there is somebody named ‘Girdy’ who has a bigger following than they do. Maybe it will teach them a lesson. A vote for Girdy must remain a vote for ‘none of the above’ to be valuable.

In the event that Girdy is actually elected for everything, I will immediately go into hiding. This will be made easier by the $0.75 that I embezzled from his campaign after pretending to contribute it. Lucky for me, Girdy/Herman is not doing well in local polls and the ticket stands little chance of being selected for anything much less everything. Look at your local coverage and I doubt that you will even find a Girdy/Herman listing. I stand confident that I will not be run out of town with this support.

On a final note, Girdy has promised to speak to his adoring fans more often in this space. That should up the visibility of his campaign. You will then know who it is that you throw your vote away writing into the ballot on election day. When they call you in the middle of your meal, tell the poll takers that you are going to vote for Girdy. Just remember our slogan; “A Vote for Girdy is a Vote for None of the Above.”

This entry was posted on Friday, October 13th, 2006 at 12:01 am and is filed under Mulligan Adventures. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.