Welcome to election season. You are probably, if you have any intention of voting, wondering how you know who to vote for. It is not actually unusual for people to already have their minds made up. Some people vote along party lines. People who vote religiously already have strong convictions that drive their votes, even when those convictions would be laughed out of an asylum. This advice is meant for everybody else.

Truth is that you never do know who to vote for. What you know is who to vote against. Sure, you will always end up voting for the lesser of two evils. There is no force in politics that causes candidates to agree with the constituents that they are supposed to represent. We have come to accept that our representatives are better than we are and they know this. In fact, we try to lean toward moderates, which means the candidates who cannot make up their minds or will not admit to their real positions in public places.

Out of a spirit of conservation, candidates should use the same advertisements that they had printed up for the last election cycle. They have accomplished nothing that they promised, so all the promises are still there. Most of what candidates promise cannot actually be done by government. Furthermore, if government actually did the things that it can do, even allowing government to do the things that government cannot do, then we would cease to be dependant on our politicians. A cure loses value when the disease goes away.

Since this process will have you leaving out every candidate that is actually running, you are left with only one candidate to vote for. If you read the title of this tirade, then you know who I am getting to. Having not read the title for this tirade, you should still be able to figure it out. Vote Girdy for everything.

Since he is not actually running, he has not lied to you, yet. A candidate who does not actually exist cannot do anything to hurt you. He also has not made a public statement concerning cutting crime by outlawing it. Girdy is the perfect candidate to write in for every office. Not running makes voting for him an official ‘none of the above’ vote. I expect that to be a popular option if we can get it on the ballot.

Owing to the fact that I voted against him in the last election and intend to vote against him in this election, I consider myself a perfect candidate for his un-campaign manager. What more can I say about a candidate like Girdy? I do not even know him. A write-in vote for Girdy really is a vote for ‘none of the above.’

In the event that he is actually elected, which would probably be illegal in most places and twice that in all others, I expect him to hunt me down with a pack of rabid attack dogs. Wouldn’t you? This is the best reason that I can think of to make sure that Girdy does not get elected for anything. Otherwise, a vote for Girdy would cease to be a vote for ‘none of the above.’

To conclude my tirade, use the judgement of somebody with good judgement in the event that Girdy turns out to be an evil mythical creature. That will make it hard to vote for the lesser of two evils without a universal ‘how evil is my candidate’ meter. If you do not have one of those, then a clue-by-four should be available at most local hardware stores. Just remember that a vote for Girdy is a vote for ‘none of the above.’

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 13th, 2006 at 12:12 am and is filed under Comics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.