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Un-Potty Training: A how-to Guide

Friday, March 18th, 2005 by joel

They say the secret to good entertainment is to find what your audience wants and then provide it for them. Well I have been to the mountain. I have heard the cry of the audience. They want a guide to un-potty training themselves.

A very few of you may be confused. Let me clear that up for you, shall I? The unique nature of websites these days is that they keep track of EVERYTHING the users do on the website, including how they got there in the first place. Creepy? It gets worse. I can actually see what people have typed into search engines that lead them to my website. And in reviewing these findings, I have come across a few unsettling trends. First of all, someone out there does not know how to spell ‘duels’. Well, whoever you are, I am a bad speller, but even I know it isn’t spelled ‘duals’. Also, someone seems very interested in unattractive guys. Well feel free to browse around, lady (or fella), there are plenty of repulsive hunks of man-flesh hanging ’round these parts, and we ain’t shy.

However one of the most persistent (and befuddling) trends is that every month some bozo is doing a web-search on how to un-potty train yourself. I don’t know how he keeps getting my web site, but since you keep ASKING, I felt it was high time I settle the issue for you.

The animal instinct to keep ones environment disease free by disposing of waste in certain out-of-the-way places runs strong in almost every species. So early childhood training and years of indoctrination aside, this is a deep-running habit to tackle and break yourself of. However I do have good news for you: humans seem predisposed to trashing their environment. Just taking a glance around my apartment, I can see that the state of having heaping piles of feces lying freely about is only about three steps of degradation away.

I suggest a three stage plan. First go out and purchase yourself a pair of depends adult diapers (unless you are some sort of genius baby fighting against the tyranny of adult discipline. Then stick with your pull-ups). Now to truly wallow in your own filth, you will probably want to eventually drop your loads right in your pants, if you elect to have pants in the first place. That’s entirely up to you. Diapers will give you that sense of comfort and stability that you need in order to begin the process. Now clear a day on your schedule. Perhaps a Saturday (holy day of Sabbath to the Hebrews, but if you are trying to become filthy, you’re not exactly following kosher traditions, are you?). Slip your adult diapers on and drink about five glasses of water. Iced tea does it best for me. Point is, choose a liquid that runs right through you and guzzle. Very shortly you will not have a choice. You will HAVE to pee. So just do it. Just let go and let the super-absorption of the fluffy adult diaper soak up your kidney fluid like it was designed to do. After a full day of this, you will quickly begin to lose inhibitions concerning where and under what conditions you let your bladder drain. It will happen naturally.

Okay, that was the easy one. For stage two, the quickest recommendation I have for you is to go out and buy yourself about a pound of raw chicken breast. Then eat it. Raw. Quit whining, you baby, you’re the one who wants to live in your own crap. Now that you have ingested the disease-ridden chicken, you should get yourself a tremendous case of diarrhea. Now ordinarily crapping in your pants would be difficult because it takes a decent amount of muscle control, and you are psychologically conditions to tense up in public and dump in private. But with your colon bursting at the seams with bacteria happily pumping out mounds and mounds of runny fecal matter, you will not have a choice. That stuff is going to pump out of you at an alarming rate. Drink plenty of liquids to keep yourself hydrated until your body fights off the salmonella-induced diarrhea.

Now that you have successfully broken the barrier and crapped in your pants, try taking some solid dumps sometime. Take your time, eat plenty of fiber, you will get the hang of it. And then you will be ready to try it with the diaper off. After that, the sky is the limit.

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