8:00 AM – November 2^nd, 2004 – Well, I just got back from not voting in my shower. I am pleased to report that nobody else seems to be voting in my shower, as this bodes well for my campaign. Mind you, I did invite several people to shower with me, but only Herman showed up, and he with a rather beautifully wrapped present. (Lavender pastel tissue subtly taped and accented with a soft green ribbon… fantastÄ­que!) It turns out my running “mateâ€? was a bit confused as to the type of shower I was hosting. He muttered something about a constitutional amendment banning human hygiene and left. We plan to get together later to celebrate our victory and, also, Wednesday.

 

9:30 AM – November 2^nd, 2004 – I just flipped on the television, hoping for my regular fix of Al Roeper, but am being forced to wait a while. The networks insist on giving updates about the election, consistently referring to long lines outside polling places, first-time voters, and up-coming fall shows. This worries me, as it seems the people of our nation might actually care enough for Bush Jr. or JFK to get out and vote for them. I remember now, however, that there is a shortage of the flu vaccine and it is quite possible that this is footage of those lines, mistakenly aired as people going to vote. I would call my local broadcast affiliate and complain if, of course, active protest did not completely run against everything for which I stand.

 

12:00 PM – November 2^nd, 2004 – Lunch. Two Hot Pockets… no, wait, Lean Pockets. Chicken Fajita. Tasty. Washed down with some Green Apple LifeSavers (psuedo-Koolaid) drink.

 

3:00 PM – November 2^nd, 2004 – I just watched Days of Our Lives. Honestly, how can anyone stand soap operas? They go on forever and nothing ever happens except, maybe, once a week. Over half of the Days cast is, as I write, attempting to escape from a self-destructing island volcano base. (And honestly, who equips an island volcano base with a self-destruct program anyway?) I have no doubt that everyone will make it out safely, with the possible exception of older characters whose actors are currently dead. Meanwhile, the sexy younger members of the cast are busy having sex with each other and being mad at other sexy younger members (double entendre there…) for having sex with each other. I hope a network executive will read this and make the necessary changes to get me more deeply involved with the show. Guess I’ll tune in next week to make sure that they’ve gotten it right.

 

5:00 PM – November 2^nd, 2004 – The evening new just came on and, before I could change the channel to a rerun of The Simpson’s, they reminded me that the election is today. Then I changed the channel. Suitably chastised, however, I visited my refrigerator and did not vote again. I hope no one catches me until I have supreme power over our country’s government. (Check and balances, my butt!)

 

5:12 PM – November 2^nd, 2004 – The Simpson’s is now in its 16^th Season. At the current rate of $40 per Season they release on DVD, it will cost me over $350 to own them all. If you, my readers, give me $40, I will let you borrow any of the Seasons anytime I want.

 

6:37 PM – November 2^nd, 2004 – Well, apparently the network news is covering my… I mean, the election now. Herman just showed up with some of his cockroaches, and they demanded that I change the channel. They mentioned that Dubya and John Forbes both have “war rooms� set up to help them monitor the election. I have decided that I need such a room as well. The cockroaches have philosophical objections to the bathroom, and I won’t let them in my bedroom since the ladybug-orgy scandal which almost resulted in my asking Herman to step down. My walk-in closet is too small, so we’re left with my main room, which is plenty big, but also was the planned site of our victory celebration.

 

7:30 PM – November 2^nd, 2004 – I am pleased to announce that, while a few of the states have been declared “red� or “blue,� most of them are a bright, pasty white. Although there has been no mention of me, my campaign, or my brand spankin’ new war room, it is clear, the cockroaches tell me, that “red� signifies the GOP, “blue� signifies the party-which-needs-a-brief-nickname-other-than-the-Dems, and white signifies me. I am proud to report that we live in a very white nation.

 

8:08 PM – November 2^nd, 2004 – Several more of the states have been filled in red or blue, causing me some concern that Americans might have some concern. Also, the network anchors keep referring to numbers, especially 270, and the “Electoral College.� Upon reflection, I have decided to assign Herman and some of his friends to discover what this stuff is all about. He insists on using the computer to find out, which has forced me to pick up a book and start reading. (I also lost a battle for the remote when it was discovered I wanted to pop in Titan A.E.) I am currently reading through the Dragonlance Legends trilogy, in addition to Sun Tzu’s Art of War and No More Lone Rangers: How to Build a Team-Centered Youth Ministry. As you can see, I like to stick exclusively to fiction.

 

9:00 PM – November 2^nd, 2004 – Okay, I have some very shocking news for all of my non-supporters out there in cyber space. Apparently, in order to be elected President of the United States, one has to win something called “electoral votes.� These cannot be won by not voting, but rather only by getting more votes than anyone else within a particular geographical area. I hate to change my message in the middle of my campaign (or the end of election night… whatever…), but I now need you all to (A) move to Alaska and (B) write in a vote for me for President. With any luck, we will be able to populate that state (God knows there is plenty of room) enough to transfer most of the electoral votes there. While the cold is not conducive to most species of insect life, Herman assures me he and his can survive there. I realize that this is an extreme (some might say “emergency�) measure, but we cannot give up hope. Indeed, those of you who doubt I have a support base in Alaska should do a search for Girdwood, Alaska, a town named after an ancestor of mine. We will fight for every (electoral) vote, and we will win!

 

11:00 PM – November 2^nd, 2004 – It has become clear, according to the analysts, that the election hinges on who wins Ohio. While Georgie O’Keefe and Mr. Heinz have both received a significant amount of support there, I am proud and somewhat relieved to say that I have received none. Thus, the state remains white. Regardless, the polls are closed and all anyone can do is wait for the votes to be counted. Nothing can make a difference now. This also pleases me, as I believe I have being working hard at nothing for quite some time. To these ends, I am sending the cockroaches home and going to bed.

 

8:00 AM – November 3^rd, 2004 – Breakfast. Two Lean Pockets. Steak Fajita. Possibly even more tasty than Chicken. The last of that pitcher of Green Apple LifeSavers flavored water. Oh, and I just found out I lost Ohio.

 

11:30 AM – November 3^rd, 2004 – Well, it just came across the news that Kerry has conceded the race to Cheney. This is very somber news to me, as I had hoped to be the first to do this. At least I will beat Nader…

 

          Hello. I would like to thank all of you who eagerly and fervently did not work on my campaign, attempt to convince others to vote for me, or get out to vote themselves. In past days, your lack of support would have carried me to overwhelming results, possibly even to something I might deem a mandate. (Or a mandrake, depending on my mood. I’m just not comfortable with the idea of dating men.)

Hello. I would like to thank all of you who eagerly and fervently did not work on my campaign, attempt to convince others to vote for me, or get out to vote themselves. In past days, your lack of support would have carried me to overwhelming results, possibly even to something I might deem a mandate. (Or a mandrake, depending on my mood. I’m just not comfortable with the idea of dating men.)          Of course, I am deeply saddened by Tuesday’s results. Without hesitation, I blame record voter turnout. It is an impressive and unfortunate thing that somewhere in the neighborhood of seventy percent of voters cast their ballot this year. For those of you who cannot do the math, This means that both President Bush and Senator Kerry received about thirty-five percent of the vote, while I came in with only thirty. My boasting and excitement early in the evening, founded on the fact that most precincts had not reported, was apparently misplaced. Who knew they just hadn’t finished counting? The news really should report something like that.

          Because I have not been able to get his personal phone number, I wish to publicly let President Bush know that I am now, officially, conceding the election to him (despite the high number of yet-uncounted provisional ballots cast in Alaska). I hope that this will engender myself to him and result in a well-paying nominal advisory role in his administration. Such an appointment would allow him to press claims of reaching outside his party to accomplish a bipartisan agenda.

          Thank you all, once again, for your refusal to support my candidacy or to care about it in any way. As the Greatest Generation, the Baby Boomers, and the Baby Busters grow older and die, our scarcity of voice will be more prominently heard. I encourage you to waste the next four years, at which time I may or may not not run again. Until then, my thoughts, my hopes, my prayers will be with you… or me. Amen.

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