Hi, my name is Mike, and I’m a youth minister. It is not really important to me that you know I’m a youth minister but, if you don’t, you might not laugh later when I say, “Dammit.� 

          I had pneumonia earlier this year and, I must say, it takes a lot out of you. I would go to bed at night and realize that I had not eaten anything except a few crackers early in the morning. Scary… It is probably the best thing that could have happened to me. 

          You see, pneumonia gives you an excuse for everything. What are people going to say? “Mike, your annual report was due last week.� I’m sorry, sir, but, well… I have pneumonia. “Mike, you skipped out on a youth meeting that you were in charge of.� I didn’t really want to, but I have pneumonia. “Mike, your lack of faith is seriously impacting the teens.� I wish I could have more, but it is hard because Jesus never healed any… pneumoniacs. “Mike, you’re a lazy bum!� Pneumonia! “You never get anything done!� Pneumonia! “You said you would call last night!� Pneumonia! “Mike, I need you to show some more commitment to this relationship. How come you never say you love me?� Pneumonia… dammit. 

          I love me a mild swear word. Dammit is a good one, but it is about as risqué as I normally get. And, to be fair, it has a different connotation when a minister says it. Some of the more extreme words are just plain offensive, but the mild ones have great comic value in everyday life. “Egad� is my favorite mild swear word, mostly because it has fallen out of use and no one expects it anymore. “Egad� means that you just discovered something, but that something is not good. Kind of like the opposite of “eureka.� “Eureka! I discovered the cure for cancer!� “Egad! It involves sucking the pus from the bladder of a dog!� 

I was hanging out at a friend’s house when I was a kid. We were doing the usual cops-and-robbers, cowboys-and-indians thing and we decided that it would be even more fun at the playground out back of my house. We decide to ask his dad, who is taking a nap, for permission. Turns out his mom was taking a nap, too. And they weren’t sleeping. Now, I wasn’t old enough to know what was going on, but I sure liked watching. After all, we were kids, and his parents weren’t all that old or unattractive. My face lights up, and I look my friend all “Eureka!� And then I see his face… “Egad!� 

“Egad� is a classic mild swear word. So is “hell.� Now, I am one of those conservatives that thinks that Hell is a real place (Detroit, Michigan), so it annoys me when people use it out of context. “What the hell were you thinking?� Please! I’m all for mild swear words, but only in their proper grammatical context. 

A couple of months ago, I was at a meeting getting ready for a week of Christian camp. (Where we ambush kids with Jesus and beat them with Our Savior until they accept the truth. Or not. Depending on your view of Christian camps.) The guy in charge of the week of camp decided that we would end the meeting with several prayer circles at different locations around the campground. For those of you that don’t know, a prayer circle involves a bunch of Christians standing in an oval, holding hands. One super-Christian is assigned to start and one is assigned to finish. In between, you are invited to pray if “you feel led.� Near as I can tell, some people tend to be led all the time, whereas most (like me) tend to not be led at all. 

This group of people happened to have a lot of people being led all the time. In fact, it even had some of those really spiritual Christians who are even led when someone else is praying. You know, they’re all “Jesus� this and “Yes, God� that in the middle of your well though-out prayer. Because, somehow, apparently, God can hear better when more than one person is talking at the same time. Needless to say, instead of concentrating on all this prayer, which really is a good thing to do, I was focusing on not rolling my eyes (which were closed) or shaking my head (which was bowed). I don’t know how, but I swear those spiritual Christians can see that kind of behavior even with their eyes closed and head bowed. 

Anyway, we were walking from one place we had prayed over to another when I started to realize how comfortable my shirt was. You see, my mom got that shirt for me in anticipation of my nephew being born. She wanted me to be able to hold and have the baby associate those warm, comfortable feelings with his Uncle Mike. The shirt was brown, so I hadn’t worn in quite a while, but I had it on that day. The thought goes through my head, “This shirt is comfortable as hel…� 

As soon as I even thought the beginning of the word, I swear, the most spiritualistic Christian of them all perks up his head and I know, without a doubt, he is listening to my thoughts. So I panic… “Uh… H-E-double hockey sticks? No, too much of a euphemism. Heck? No, that won’t pass the super-religious test. Uh.. eh…� And then it hits me! What am I thinking? Use the word in context! And then it hits me! This shirt is comfortable as Hell? Hell, from what I have heard about it, isn’t such a comfortable place. What is a comfortable place? “This shirt is comfortable as hel…ven. Oh, yeah! Heaven! Take that, you self-righteous Nazi bastard! Who in the Hell (proper context) do think you are? Kiss my comfortable cottony shirt and my pasty white ass…�

 I suddenly realize that the leader of the week of camp is looking at me, and everyone, including me, has circled up again. And he asks me, “Mike, could you close this circle for us?� Close the circle! That is the Christian clean-up spot. This is fourth quarter with five seconds left on the clock. It’s where you put the ball in the hands of your stars and you expect them to pull through. And though my body is in the right place, standing surrounded by a great group of Christians, my mind is somewhere else. What could I do? I paused, looked that man straight in the eye, and said… “Pneumonia… dammit.�

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