Please excuse the pun. I don’t know what came over me.

Well, it seems that a gastropodic space alien is out to steal Fruit Loops forever. I know it seems bad, but brace yourself, because it gets worse. You see, the Rabbit has stolen and hidden Trix and all Trix products, hidden them in the jungle, and then got whacked on the head so that the ensuing brain damage has effected the speech areas of his mind and he is unable to communicate the location of the Trix stuff. Also, someone, we’re not quite sure who, though we have our suspicions, has stolen the formula for Apple Jacks. Now you may think that a cursory glance at the thousands of boxes of the stuff that line grocery store shelves would be enough to give us an accurate idea how to synthesize it, but apparently this is not the case. To top it all off, and as if things could not get any worse, it seems that Lucky, the Leprechaun charged with the safeguarding of Lucky Charms, has become lost in a magical patch of clovers, and his cereal is lost with him.

Yup, it’s pretty much the end for sugary-sweet cereals meant to appeal mainly to children. The only cold cereals left are the ones that claim to be good for us and have little to no interesting taste.

Now this all may seem alarming, but the fact is that this kind of thing has been happening for pretty much my entire life. It seems every time I am watching children’s programming, which is fairly often, lets be honest, I am bombarded by doom-speakers hailing the looming apocalypse of portions of this nutritious breakfast. I think that children’s cereal has to be unique in this aspect: it is the only product that is marketed to us by the constant threat of its own annihilation. I suppose the idea is, go out and buy some quick before it’s gone forever!

Pondering this, I have to wonder: who would really miss it? I mean sugary cereals are things, which, while they are present to be tasted and had, are appreciated, but if they are not there, you tend to eat the other stuff sitting around them when they are framed in a commercial. You know, a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice, a stack of pancakes, two pieces of toast, bacon and eggs.

Also, what dictator of dietary stuffs determined that the above things are the only items appropriate for human consumption between the hours of six and nine a.m.? And since when do Americans actually obey dieticians? It seems to me that the human digestive system is a diverse and fluent machine, capable of handling all sorts of things at all times of the day and night.

My advice is to break free from the tyranny of the cartoon conspiracy and eat cold pizza for breakfast. That’s pretty much all I ate in the mornings at College.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 14th, 2004 at 12:10 am and is filed under Comics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.