Everybody needs somebody, sometimes. Yeah, we’re all a bunch of needy folk, and therein lies a problem. There are basically three phases of human interaction: saying hello, saying goodbye, and all the stuff in-between.

Now the saying hello part, that part we’ve got down solid. Because, difficult as breaking the ice is, its something we NEED to do. We’ve got to spend time with people, so we’ve got a bunch of different rituals for the stage we call ‘Greeting.’ Handshakes are always in order. Sometimes hugs, too. Sometimes kisses. And of course there are all the nice obligatory questions that mean little or nothing, but provide that cushion of comfort to lead into the deeper stuff.

The in-between stuff doesn’t concern me right now. We have a name for it, though. It’s called ‘Conversation.’

The last part is the hitch. We don’t really ever prepare ourselves for the goodbye. We don’t even have a name for it. Why we are unprepared for it is probably because we don’t like to think of it too much. Parting is a problem and the ritual of parting is as half-hearted and poorly thought out as the partings themselves tend to be. So I am writing this article to suggest a solution to this problem.

We need to ritualize goodbyes to a fine, well-rehearsed practice that completely annihilates the awkwardness of disengaging from social interaction. First we need to name the ritual. I suggest the word ‘Extranset’. As in: I greeted Sue, we engaged in conversation, then I extransetted her. Now that I’ve settled that little hitch, let me explain the three basic scenarios in which extranseting is essential.

The first is when someone has overstayed his or her welcome. In this case, you need to have the ritual of extranset ready to invoke in order to force them into the realization that they need to leave NOW. Stick with me, here, this is help for all of you with antisocial disorders who are incapable of taking notice of polite social cues.

The second is a situation in which you are locked into a conversation with someone and you really need to get going, but have no good way of disengaging. Extranset will now be there to help.

The final scenario is when two people are having a blast spending time together, but need to part ways. They generally draw out the parting ad-nauseum and it can get pretty embarrassing. Now extranset will cut that out entirely.

Here is how the ritual of extranset will work. First, one of the parties involved in the conversation will realize that it is time to go. Then they will hold up their hand to halt the conversation. At this point, no matter what is being discussed, the conversation MUST STOP. When the hand goes up, if you keep talking, the penalty will be having your eyeballs chewed out by a specially trained rat. Then, the person who has held up their hand will say, “It is time for us to part ways.�

The party to whom this is addressed will reply, “But when will we talk again?�

The first person responds, “I don’t know, but here is my E-mail address.�

Then they exchange one of the following gestures, where appropriate: a handshake, a hug, or a kiss. Just one. Don’t draw this out, people. Also, don’t exchange any more words. The time for conversation is absolutely over once extransetting has begun. Then they about-face (rotating left), and walk until they lose sight of one another.

There. Take it to heart; it will make the world a better place.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 23rd, 2004 at 11:50 pm and is filed under Comics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.